Who's on First?

(Sketch by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello)

Lou Costello:  Hey Abbott.

Bud Abbott:  What do you want Costello?

LOU:  Look Abbott. I understand that you're going to be the manager of the Lou Costello Junior Youth Foundation baseball team.

BUD:  Yes. We just organized the thi...

LOU:  Oh you d...

BUD:  Sure!

LOU:  Well I'd like to play on the team myself, you know, I know something about baseball.

BUD:  Well that can be accomplish...

LOU:  Well I'd like to know some of the guys' names on the team, so that when I meet them on the street or in the ballpark, I'll be able to say hello to them.

BUD:  Well surely I'll introduce you to the boys. But, you know strange as it may seem, they give these ballplayers, nowadays, very peculiar names.

LOU:  You mean funny names?

BUD:  Nicknames. Pet names. Like Dizzy Dean.....

LOU:  Brother Daffy....

BUD:  Daffy Dean......

LOU:  I'm their French cousin,.....

BUD:  French cousin?

LOU:  Goofe'.

BUD:  (singing) Take me out to the Ball game, Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and...

LOU:  Peanuts! Popcorn! Get your Popper Jacks Here! Peanuts!

BUD:  Sebastian! Sebastian, get over here. Pardon him folks. What do you think you're doing?

LOU:  I wanted the people to feel like they were in the ball park, because.... (grabs bat).... I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?

BUD:  All right. but you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean...

LOU:  Not as peculiar as mine.... Sebastian Dimwitty

BUD:  Oh Yes.

LOU:  They got names funnier than mine? WOOOOOOOoooo(siren yell)

BUD:  Oh Absolutely.... Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...

LOU:  That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

BUD:  I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --

LOU:  You know the fellows' names?

BUD:  Yes.

LOU:  Well, then who's playing first?

BUD:  Yes

LOU:  I mean the fellow's name on first base.

BUD:  Who.

LOU:  The fellow playing first base for St. Louis.

BUD:  Who.

LOU:  The guy on first base.

BUD:  Who is on first.

LOU:  Well, what are you asking me for?

BUD:  I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.

LOU:  I'm asking you -- who's on first?

BUD:  That's the man's name!

LOU:  That's who's name?

BUD:  Yes.

LOU:  Well, go ahead and tell me.

BUD:  Who.

LOU:  The guy on first.

BUD:  Who.

LOU:  The first baseman.

BUD:  Who is on first.

LOU:  Have you got a first baseman on first?

BUD:  Certainly.

LOU:  Then who's playing first?

BUD:  Absolutely.

LOU:  (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

BUD:  Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

LOU:  Who is?

BUD:  Yes.

LOU:  So who gets it?

BUD:  Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

LOU:  Who's wife?

BUD:  Yes. After all the man earns it.

LOU:  Who does?

BUD:  Absolutely.

LOU:  Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.

BUD:  Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

LOU:  I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD:  Who's on first.

LOU:  That's what I'm trying to find out.

BUD:  Well, don't change the players around.

LOU:  I'm not changing nobody.

BUD:  Now, take it easy.

LOU:  What's the guy's name on first base?

BUD:  What's the guy's name on second base.

LOU:  I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD:  Who's on first.

LOU:  I don't know.

BUD:  He's on third. We're not talking about him.

LOU:  How could I get on third base?

BUD:  You mentioned his name.

LOU:  If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

BUD:  No, Who's playing first.

LOU:  Stay off of first, will you?

BUD:  Well what do you want me to do?

LOU:  Now what's the guy's name on first base?

BUD:  What's on second.

LOU:  I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD:  Who's on first.

LOU:  I don't know.

BUD:  He's on third.

LOU:  There I go back on third again.

BUD:  Well, I can't change their names.

LOU:  Say, will you please stay on third base?

BUD:  Please. Now what is it you want to know?

LOU:  What is the fellow's name on third base?

BUD:  What is the fellow's name on second base.

LOU:  I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD:  Who's on first.

LOU:  I don't know.

BUD:  THIRD BASE!

LOU:  You got an outfield?

BUD:  Oh, sure.

LOU:  St. Louis has got a good outfield?

BUD:  Oh, absolutely.

LOU:  The left fielder's name?

BUD:  Why.

LOU:  I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

BUD:  Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

LOU:  Then tell me who's playing left field.

BUD:  Who's playing first.

LOU:  Stay out of the infield!

BUD:  Then don't mention any of their names.

LOU:  I want to know what's the fellow's name in left field?

BUD:  What is on second.

LOU:  I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD:  Who is on first.

LOU:  I don't know.

BUD & LOU:  (together and calmly) Third base.

LOU:  And the left fielder's name?

BUD:  Why.

LOU:  Because.

BUD:  Oh he's Center Field.

LOU:  (whimpers) Center field.

BUD:  Yes.

LOU:  Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.

BUD:  Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher?

LOU:  I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.

BUD:  Tomorrow.

LOU:  You don't want to tell me today?

BUD:  I'm telling you, man.

LOU:  Then go ahead.

BUD:  Tomorrow.

LOU:  What time?

BUD:  What time what?

LOU:  What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

BUD:  Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --

LOU:  I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"

BUD:  Then why come up here and ask?

LOU:  I want to know.... what's the pitcher's name?

BUD:  What's on second.

LOU:  I don't know.

BUD & LOU:  (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!!

LOU:  You gotta Catcher?

BUD:  Yes.

LOU:  The Catcher's name?

BUD:  Today.

LOU:  Today. And Tomorrow's pitching?

BUD:  Now you've got it.

LOU:  That's all. St. Louis has a couple of days on their team?

BUD:  Well I can't help that.

LOU:  You know I'm a good catcher too.

BUD:  I know that.

LOU:  I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

BUD:  Well I might arrange that.

LOU:  I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher; Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.

BUD:  Yes.

LOU:  Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

BUD:  Yes.

LOU:  Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

BUD:  Now that's the first thing you've said right.

LOU:  I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!

BUD:  Well, that's all you have to do.

LOU:  Is to throw it to first base?

BUD:  Yes.

LOU:  Now who's got it?

BUD:  Naturally.

LOU:  Who has it?

BUD:  Naturally.

LOU:  Naturally?

BUD:  Naturally.

LOU:  O.K.

BUD:  Now you've got it.

LOU:  I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

BUD:  No you don't you throw the ball to first base.

LOU:  Then who gets it?

BUD:  Naturally.

LOU:  O.K.

BUD:  All right.

LOU:  I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD:  You don't, you throw it to Who.

LOU:  Naturally.

BUD:  Well, naturally. Say it that way.

LOU:  That's what I said.

BUD:  You did not.

LOU:  I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD:  You don't. You throw it to Who.

LOU:  Naturally.

BUD:  Yes.

LOU:  So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

BUD:  No. You throw the ball to first base--

LOU:  Then who gets it?

BUD:  Naturally.

LOU:  That's what I'm saying.

BUD:  You're not saying that.

LOU:  I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD:  You throw it to Who!

LOU:  Naturally.

BUD:  Naturally. Well say it that way.

LOU:  THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

BUD:  Now don't get excited.

LOU:  Who's getting excited?!! I throw the ball to first base--

BUD:  Then Who gets it?

LOU:  (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!

BUD:  That's it. All right now... Take it easy.

LOU:  Hrmmph.

BUD:  Hrmmph.

LOU:  Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.

BUD:  Uh-huh.

LOU:  Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.

BUD:  Yeah. It could be.

LOU:  Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.

BUD:  What did you say?

LOU:  I said, "I don't give a darn."

BUD:  Oh, that's our shortstop!